Well, this blog post, this admission weakness and perpetual struggles has been a long time coming or should I say a long time hedging. Those closest to me and those who have been consistently trying to help me with this struggle can attest. There is a very simple reason for this, I AM SCARED OUT OF MY WITS. In fact, I made up a new word to define this “I want to throw up, scream cry , fear poo, and ideally, spontaneously combust at any minute” feeling: TERRIFICATION.
TERRIFICATION: a state of being down way deep on a bullet train of despair and fear, driving to the point beyond paralysis, hanging a right on the corner of self-loathing and blazing right ahead through the desolation desert to the cliff of imminent self-destruction.
How’s that for a mental picture? I know this seems quite dramatic. Unfortunately, this is not much of an exaggeration of how I feel about this particular area of my life.
Now, I know there are many ACTUAL words in the English language that could probably encapsulate how I am feeling, but I needed to make this all-too familiar feeling truly my own. My hope is that in doing so, defining this beast on my own terms, in my own way, I will truly be able to know it, face it, and most importantly, BEAT THE SH*T out of it once and for all.
I am a relatively intelligent woman. I understand that this is all completely in my own head. It is a HUGE DEAL to me to be finally and VERY PUBLICLY be sharing my struggles, my truths and the dark part of my life I have been failing in for far too long now – my health. I have finally made a decision and the decision is this:
Terrification is no longer going to drag me down to its depths. Instead, I am going to step on it’s ugly a** face to propel myself forward and upward. F*ck Terrifcation.
I met Chris Tse through Social Media quite some time ago. Finally, a few months ago, I reached out to him and walked into Blitz, meeting the amazing team there. In chatting with Chris, I signed up for a 90 Day Challenge. I was raring to go. I started going to Booty BootCamp (Never knew I could sweat so much in a 1/2 hr class – Amy Coppens is the BEST!) in the mornings and training with Chris 3 times per week. My nutrition started improving. But as happens with me and my cyclical battles with my health, I went gangbusters for a few weeks, started suffering intense migraines (totally unrelated) and then I had a long stretch of travel for work and completely fell off the wagon. Of course, in moments of isolation, I ate bad food and watched A LOT of Netflix. Rinse and repeat.
At that time, I had committed to blogging like those inspirational dames Sarah Jackson and Jennifer Banks before me. But as has been typical for me to this point, I detoured into Terrification Station and slammed on the E-brake. Yet again.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to regain my fitness – it was worse that that. I truly felt I wasn’t worth it.
So what’s different this time? Good question. Well firstly, I am FINALLY posting my first blog, complete with pictures of my current bodily state. In the public for all of you to see. E-FREAKING-GADS. I do so want to throw up right now.
Okay, deep breaths…
Secondly, beyond these pictures, and believe it or not, even scarier to display are some my truths:
- My body and spirit are both in horrible disrepair.
- Although I enjoy being active, I have been using food to numb my feelings of failure and disappointment in myself.
- I stopped feeling like I deserve success and happiness.
- Unhappy with my appearance, I have increasingly isolated myself. Being a social person and community-lover by nature, this has been very damaging to my spirit.
- I NEED to be a better mom for my ManCub in leading him by example in health and success, rather than telling him what he should do, and doing the opposite myself.
- I often feel very, incredibly, desperately alone, though I know I am surrounded by some of the most amazing humans on the planet. HOW STUPID IS THAT?
- I have started calling myself too fat. Too fat for that outfit, too fat to date, too fat for HAPPINESS.
- I am SO utterly sick of feeling this way. I am so sick of WASTING MY LIFE!
So…TAKE 2. Facing all of the above and seeing my friend Steven Hodges take the leap with Chris on his own 90 Day Challenge propelled me to pick myself back up and connect with Chris again. Understanding my old patterns, Chris has helped me set different goals focusing on gradual sustainable changes rather than SLAMMING MYSELF FACE FIRST into weight-loss and fitness, which is absolutely in my nature (and has not obviously worked out for me in the past). I have also signed up ManCub to train with Chris 2X a week, and one day a week we train together – it’s becoming the highlight of my week!
So, this is NOT a 90-Day Challenge, it is me, fighting against my nature to slowly and surely adopt a new, healthy SUSTAINABLE lifestyle, one day at a time. One minute at a time.
I have joined and actively participate in a FABULOUS Fitness Accountability Group started by the lovely Sarah Jackson on Facebook, if you want to join, please msg me!
Finally, I signed up for the Rock & Roll 1/ 2 Marathon November 17th in Las Vegas. This is a HUGE goal and though I know I am far away from being able to achieve this right now, Chris and I both believe that I have enough time to train and be able to successfully complete it – even if I have to crawl the last few kms.
Even as I write this, I should share that I sustained a pretty bad right hip flexor injury a few weeks ago that I am still recovering from - I am still in pain and it is taking FOREVER to heal! Unfortunately it is preventing me from running and dragon boating right now which is really tough for me emotionally as I feel so much pressure to maintain high activity levels and not let down my team, but I am still (carefully) training with Chris and walking as much as I can. Instead of seeing it as a reason to high-tail it back to my old ways, I am looking at it as a challenge to overcome – a big mental win for me. I must be making progress!
A Note about Chris Tse: This guy is so much more than a personal trainer and business owner. He has become a dear friend. He has proven himself to be truly invested in my success as a healthy happy human being. He is holding me accountable, with a firm yet gentle grip, searing wit and a GQ/cartoon smile. I am very grateful for him right now, but that’s because he isn’t trying to break me. That will come tomorrow afternoon at training. Oh, and best of all, I get my very own “Tse Memes” to enjoy…
What can you expect from me in the coming weeks and months? Probably shorter posts. Definitely honesty, despite my inclination to hide behind a smile and word-weaving to the contrary. More attractive body pictures! Tears and triumphs and everything in between. And this time I WILL NOT QUIT.
Because… F*CK Terrification.
Feel free to chat back at me on the twitters @roserambles.
